If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
