did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Randomize
