i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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