what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
