I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
