i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
