I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
