I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
