I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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