I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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