I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
