I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
