I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
