i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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