I can text with my tongue
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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