my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
