i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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