My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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