Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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