My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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