the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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