summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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