Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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