I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
