its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
