He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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