At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
