I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
