my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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