Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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