Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Couch. On fire.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
