i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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