turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
