i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
