I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
