why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I skipped work to stalk him.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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