after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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