I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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