oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
