Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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