So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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