the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
