Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just invented taco cereal.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
