2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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