It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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