Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
