i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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