Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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