I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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