yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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