The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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